This is the moment…
…when you fall back on old addictions, hard wired into your brain: immovable, unshakable, like nothing else you have, or are…
It makes no difference how long you’ve been clean, dry, or sober – once an addict, always an addict.
You might resist, you might stay above it for a long time, even the rest of your life – but all it takes is one relapse, one day like today, one failure; and you realise that you never did, and never will recover. Addictions are permanent. Remission is not. Relapse – who can say?
Maybe I should ask myself, maybe I should ask my God, maybe I should ask my friends. But no, tonight, I think, I shall ask a bottle, and a blade – and there you have it, the one stereotype I try hardest to avoid – and although I know they’ll provide no answers, maybe they’ll take my mind off the question, whatever the hell that is.
